What to Do When Your Kids’ Bigger Bellies Bother You

And why every closet needs a Not Working for My Body Anymore bag

Dear Zoë,

I have a question for you about clothing for kids. I have one slender daughter (10) and one who has a larger belly than most of her peers (almost 8). I’m finding myself feeling uncomfortable when 8’s shirts start getting a little small/short and not fully covering her belly. Whereas, when I’m honest with myself, I hardly notice and have no discomfort when the same thing is happening with 10. I have the urge to whisk the perceived-too-small shirts away from 8 while blithely leaving them in 10’s drawer without much concern. I’ve been trying to hold back on this urge (while, yes, also buying the next size up for both!), but I’m also somehow confusing myself in the process. Am I being body-positive by allowing bellies of any shape to sometimes peek out? Or is it more protective of me to make sure bellies are completely covered? Of course I see that on the inside I’m judging them differently and in a non-positive way 😩 I know there’s a lot of nuance here and likely no “correct answer” but I’d be so curious to hear your thoughts.
—Ariel

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FYI: my answers here are for educational and informational purposes only, aren’t a substitute for medical or mental-health advice, and don’t constitute a provider-patient relationship.

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Dear Ariel,

Thank you so much for this brave and thoughtful question. You’re right—it’s full of nuance, and there’s no one-size-fits-all answer (pun very much intended).

First of all, I love the curiosity and accountability woven throughout your question. You’re noticing how your daughters’ bodies make you feel, tuning into your bias, and resisting the urge to act on autopilot. That pause? That’s powerful. Honestly, this is the heart of so much of the work I do with parents: slowing down, noticing, and creating space for choice.

This moment with your daughters’ bellies brings up so many powerful themes: the way our kids’ bodies trigger us, internalized anti-fat bias, parenting siblings with different body shapes, body-based fear fantasies, and the blurry line between parental protection and our kids’ body autonomy. It’s a lot. Your confusion makes total sense. But I do believe we can begin to gently untangle some of these threads and find a path toward more clarity and confidence.

Oh, and bravo on buying the next size up for both. It’s a fundamental part of nurturing positive embodiment and body image. This simple act sends a powerful, affirming message: Bodies change. They grow, bloat, expand, and shift—and in this body-positive home, there will always be clothing options that fit your ever-changing body. What a beautiful template to offer them—something they can carry forward for life.

I also want to commend you for articulating your discomfort with your larger-bellied daughter’s appearance. There is no wrong way to feel about your child’s body. Disgust, repulsion, embarrassment, fear… these are feelings. It’s what you do with the feelings that can make or break your relationship with your child—and their relationship with themselves.

Next, I want to offer you some language to help reframe these moments when you notice negative feelings toward your daughter’s belly. I call them Magic Windows.

Magic Windows are those brief, often uncomfortable flashes when you don’t like what you see—whether it’s on your child, yourself, or someone else. These judgmental moments are invitations to reflect, not react.

What might be standing between you and your child’s need for full, unconditional acceptance—inside and out? Internalized bias? Fear about how the world will treat their body? Self-reproach for perceived parental “failure”? There is deep, protective power in simply noticing and naming what’s there.

The Magic Window is magical because, regardless of what you uncover, you can leverage the love you have for your child to challenge those automatic thoughts. When parents can name their discomfort—without passing it on through comments, restrictions, or subtle cues—they protect their child’s right to feel safe, free, and at home in their body. These are literally the moments where cycles of intergenerational body shame break.

To be clear: you are already doing this. You’re pausing. You’re naming that you feel confused. You’re noticing that you have negative thoughts towards one daughter’s belly as her shirt rides up, and not the other’s. You’re resisting the urge to whisk away the shirts. All of this is beautiful.

Ok, let’s circle back to your specific question:

Am I being body-positive by allowing bellies of any shape to sometimes peek out? Or is it more protective of me to make sure bellies are completely covered?

I think it’s worth grounding ourselves in what body-positive parenting actually means. It’s making decisions informed by the belief that all bodies are inherently worthy of respect, dignity, and care—no matter their size, shape, ability, or appearance.

I interpret that to mean: All of my children—regardless of their belly size—deserve to wear clothing that works for their bodies. And by “works,” I mean clothing that supports their comfort, their self-expression, and their sense of embodiment.

And only they will truly know what that feels like—through their own lived experience. No matter how tuned in we are, we can't fully understand our children’s internal worlds unless they choose to share them with us. There will always be a gap between what we sense or assume and what they’re actually feeling. That gap is sacred. It’s a critical reminder that we are not the same person as our child. Respecting this boundary is one of the most important things we can do as parents—especially when we’re navigating body image. Our job isn’t to preempt or predict their emotions, but to stay curious, open, and grounded enough to listen when they’re ready to tell us.

Primal Protection

While you might not say it outright, many parents feel primal, protective instincts about their kids' bodies and the clothing they wear. This is especially true when we have concern that their body might elicit others’ anti-fat bias or negative remarks. When girls’ bellies show there can be additional concern of sexualization. People say stupid, hurtful things about bodies all the time, and kids can be cruel. The instinct to pull your child close to protect them from perceived danger in the wild makes perfect sense. But if our long-term goal is resilience—not just protection—we need to be thoughtful.

Sometimes, in trying to shield our kids from harm, we unintentionally plant the very seeds of body consciousness and shame we’re hoping to prevent. And the truth is, we can’t protect them from every outside judgment. That’s why I focus on nurturing connection and unconditional acceptance—so they can face the world as they are, unhidden and unashamed, knowing they have a safe place to land if/when they get hurt.

Let me ask you this:

If you were the child with the larger belly, what would you want from your mom?

What would most clearly communicate: “I love and accept you exactly as you are—and I trust that you know what feels right for your body?”

What would help you feel: “Even when the world may make you feel like there’s something wrong with you, you always have a home base to return to—a place where you are unconditionally accepted, where your pain is met with compassion, and where we name the injustice, not your body, as the problem”?

Given what you know about your unique child, what would nurture the strongest connection between the two of you?

Let’s get practical

I know I’ve been in reflection mode up to this point—so let’s shift gears. Here are some concrete things we can actually do to support our kids’ body image resilience when it comes to clothing:

• Offer access to a range of clothing options in both sizes and materials to accommodate growth and sensory needs.

• Normalize sizing up by modeling it ourselves and framing it as a natural part of life—not a big deal or a problem.

• Check in regularly: Ask your child how their clothing is working for them and whether they need anything new or different.

And here’s my absolutely favorite, practical tool:

Introduce the Not Working for My Body Anymore Bag

I do not endorse or support Targets’s recent rollback of DEI initiatives. It contradicts my commitment to equity and inclusion. I just happen to have 100 of these totes, which are regularly repurposed as NWFMBA bags.

Every closet in a body-positive home should have a “Not Working for My Body Anymore” bag.

Here’s how it works: take a bag, baskets or bins work too, and write in big letters NOT WORKING FOR MY BODY ANYMORE. Strategically place one in everyone’s closet. Once a piece of clothing no longer fits or feels good, it goes in the bag—no judgment, no questions asked. This free, simple system:

• Normalizes body changes, including fat accrual

• Neutralizes the experience of outgrowing clothing

• Offers procedure to a potentially vulnerable/upsetting experience

• De-shames weight gain

• Regularly reinforces the message that your body isn’t the problem—your clothes should work for you, not the other way around

• Supports body image healing in parents

The goal is to weave this system into family life as seamlessly and casually as possible. My favorite moment so far was when my husband pointed to a pile of clothes on our bed and casually asked, “Is this laundry, or is it going in one of your Not Working for My Body Anymore bags?” It was the most ordinary question—no different from “Can you walk the dogs?” or “Did you load the dishwasher?”—and that’s what made it so powerful. We want this language to become part of the everyday family rhythm.

You may already have something like this in place, but if not, it could be a helpful tool—especially for this exact dilemma. It offers a shared language and a low-pressure way to check in, as long as you’re asking both daughters. You might say, “Hey girls, I’ve noticed those shirts are starting to ride up on your torsos… are they meant to be ‘belly shirts,’ or should we toss them in the Not Working for My Body Anymore bag?” The key is to keep it chill, equal opportunity, and rooted in curiosity about their preferences and comfort. It’s a simple question that reinforces what really matters: how they feel in their clothes—not how their bodies look in them.

Crop top caveat

I took your question to be about shirts that weren’t designed as midriffs, but have gotten shorter and snugger over time, revealing more belly. Belly-baring crop tops are definitely trending among tweens and teens, and I know families with modesty values may prefer a no-belly-shirt policy. As mentioned earlier, the key is consistency—rules should apply equally to all bodies. When limits reflect family values rather than body size-based judgment calls, they’re less likely to fuel shame.

Ariel, your kids are so lucky to have you. Thank you for bringing this question to our Body-Positive Home community. I have a feeling it will inspire so many others to pause, reflect, and rethink the quiet ways we can support our kids’ relationships with their bodies—one shirt, one belly, one Not Working for My Body Anymore bag at a time.

Warmly,

Zoë

We cannot do this work alone…we need each other—parents, educators, caregivers, care providers, and advocates. Help spread the body-positive nurturing movement, one conversation at a time.

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