The Subtle Art of Telling Grandma to Zip it

A therapeutic guide to finding your voice and becoming a boundary queen

Dear Zoë,

I've seen so many great scripts on social media for setting boundaries and shutting down harmful body talk from family members, and I want to be able to use them, but every time I try, I just can’t. I know what I should say, but in the moment I just can’t get the words out. I’ve worked hard on my own food and body issues with my therapist, and I’m committed to raising my kids in a body-positive way (thanks in part to all I’ve learned from you on Instagram!) My husband is slowly coming around 😮‍💨, but the real challenge is convincing the very set-in-their ways grandparents (my mother-in-law in particular). They make body and food related comments almost every time we see them—about the kids and about my husband. When I hear them casually float the idea of Ozempic to him my blood boils. I really want to intervene, but I get overwhelmed. I am worried they’ll feel disrespected or offended if I tell them everything they say is wrong. How do I get unstuck so I can actually say the things I want to be able to say…ideally without offending them!? It sounds like a tall order, but thanks for any guidance.

TIA,
Molly

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FYI: my answers here are for educational and informational purposes only, aren’t a substitute for medical or mental-health advice, and don’t constitute a provider-patient relationship.

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Dear Molly,

Thank you for this important—and, honestly, very common—question. You’re absolutely right to be concerned about food and body criticism in the family. When these messages come from trusted adults, they can stick for life, shaping a child’s self-worth, relationship with food, body, and overall well-being in ways that are hard to undo. That’s why one of our core beliefs is: if we see harm, we speak up. Silence normalizes harm, and I know you know this. Setting boundaries around food and body talk isn’t just about protecting kids in the moment—it’s about creating a family culture where all bodies are respected, and no one’s worth is tied to their size or eating behavior. I love that this is important to you and I really want to help you make some progress towards finding your voice.

mybodypositivehome

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I know the social media content you’re referring to—I’ve even created some myself ☝️. And while pithy examples of what to say to loose-lipped family members can be inspiring, they rarely address the deeper, emotional complexity of actually getting the words out. You’re not alone in this struggle—helping people set these boundaries in real time is something I work on with folks in therapy every day.

So, let’s break this down. I want to offer you three therapeutically informed insights: one to help you recalibrate your expectations (of yourself and the grandparents); one to help you understand why you might be shutting down, with several strategies to turn yourself back on; and one to strategically prepare for the next interaction with more confidence and clarity.

Ready?!

Step One: Lower your expectations of everyone involved

If you’ve been thinking it’s your job to correct everything they say and somehow do it all without making them uncomfortable—no wonder you’re stuck. That’s an impossible task. It is not actually your job to convince them of anything or to convert them into body-positive believers. Your job is to keep your kids safe. And healthy boundaries are critical to the care and keeping of emotional safety.

Two words have recently gone viral, thanks in large part to popular motivational speaker, *Mel Robbins, that will be very useful to you right now: Let Them. The Let Them Theory posits that one of the most freeing things we can do is just let people be who they are. Most grandparents have spent decades invested in diet culture, and they may never divest in the ways we have. So… let them. Let them think Ozempic is the answer…maybe for them, in the winter of their life, it will be. Let them believe that commenting on body size and food choices is incidental chit chat. Let them hold onto their cringey, outdated, ill-informed ideas about food and bodies. Let them.

Let me be clear: letting them doesn’t mean you agree or that you don’t need strong boundaries. It just means you stop trying to convince them. Releasing the expectation that they’ll change frees you from the exhausting, sisyphean task of trying to make them different people. When grief bubbles up, process it—cycle breaking can be very lonely and painful work. But the gift of Letting Them is reclaiming precious energy, which you’ll need to get unstuck and fully step into your role as a boundary queen. Letting them be who they are (warts and all) frees you to be who you need to be.

lindsaybraman

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Step Two: Unfreeze so you can speak up

What you’re describing sounds like a classic freeze response—a physiological reaction that kicks in when our nervous system perceives a threat. Think deer in headlights. Many of us (myself included) experience this when facing potential family conflict. Even when we know we need to say something, our nervous system can hit the ‘pause’ button, overriding our better judgment. It’s automatic, not a conscious choice—it happens in the name of protection.

The problem? This kind of protection isn’t working, and you know it. If you stay frozen, your children remain vulnerable to food and body criticism. But here’s the good news: you can unfreeze.

Here are 4 steps to start the process:

1. Notice and Name It
The moment we recognize we are in “freeze”, we have already taken the first step towards unfreezing.

2. Befriend Your Frozen Self
Your response isn’t a failure—it’s your nervous system doing its best to keep you safe. When you feel yourself freezing, take a deep breath and say hello…literally. I’ve actually said, “Oh, hi there, Franny Freeze. I feel you. Thanks for trying to keep me safe.” This simple (and yes, kind of goofy) act helps create separation between you and the reaction. No need to name yours Franny—Freddy? Frieda? Elsa? Pick whatever makes you smile. A little bit of leveity can make it even more effective.

3. Look to the Past to Make Sense of the Present
I know you’re worried about offending your MIL in particular—some people truly see boundaries as personal attacks. These are very difficult people to have authentic relationships with, and perhaps she is one of them. But often, our fear of making others uncomfortable is rooted in early experiences where expressing our needs led to negative consequences. Many of us grew up in families where keeping the peace was prioritized over speaking up, conditioning us to become people-pleasers who struggle to assert ourselves in adulthood.

I won’t assume your lived experience, but it’s worth exploring. When I dig into this with patients, we often find a child who learned that speaking up led to anger, dismissal, or even rejection from a caregiver. From a survival standpoint, suppressing emotions and needs would have been a brilliant maneuver—children depend on their parents for safety. If a child senses that a parent can’t handle certain aspects of them, they learn to tuck those parts away. (This is why another one of our core beliefs is: all feelings belong).

So ask yourself: What does my body truly fear will happen if I say what I need to say? Sure, factor in who she is and what she’s capable of, but also look into your history for clues. Your freeze response may not be just about her—it could be about something much older and deeper.

4. Signal Safety
Once you’ve acknowledged you’re in freeze, gently begin to communicate safety to your body. Movement is key here. Before heading into a situation where body talk is likely, try a quick reset—shake out your hands, press your feet into the floor, or take some slow, deep breaths. Attune to your body and see what movement comes first. If you freeze in the moment, even small movements like rolling your shoulders or squeezing your hand can signal to your brain that you are no longer a helpless child but, in fact, a fully formed adult who can keep yourself safe.

I’m not expecting you to read this and be ready to roll. Explore these steps slowly. Don’t rush the process and keep an eye out for any signs of microscopic change in your body. Experiment with different movements bring these ideas into your therapy, and see what you notice. Remember, we’re looking for a 2 degree shift towards less stuck.

dbt_center_of_utah

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Step Three: Scaffold Firm, Yet Friendly Boundaries

Now it’s time for the real magic: crafting a bespoke boundary that actually works. And no, I’m not offering yet another ‘quick clapback’—I want to show you an evidence-based communication skill (that I teach my therapy clients) to help you learn how to set a firm, yet friendly boundary without burning bridges.